abigailmarie16's Xanga

Friday, December 19, 2008

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:34:02 GMT

Home for the holidays....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 22:14:33 GMT

As far as starting off a school year goes I guess the saying is true....

third time's a charm. :)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 18:23:17 GMT

Things I love...

I love how cold the weather is right now. After some hot days (and the start of a tan) it's nice to be wearing a sweater with the chill wind coming off the lake.

I love how I can listen to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" all year round.

I love how I can now make an amazing omelette thanks to an amazing friend Joe.

I love how if you play Disney songs in the kitchen everyone gets in a better mood.

I love how I've been doing some yoga by the lake with an actress whose been on things like "Law and Order".

I love how going to Burlington with two friends can absolutely turn the summer back around. : )

Friday, June 06, 2008

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 03:20:47 GMT

I turn 20 in a month.

I'm not so excited about that. 19 is a good age and 20 is just too old. I'm not ready for that yet.

I'll be in Vermont for the next 11 weeks.

I am so excited about that. EC 2008 is going to be amazing.

Abigail Hammers
C/O Eagle Camp
505 Westshore Rd
South Hero, VT 05486

My friend Arielle is getting married on Saturday.

I can't believe I'm at the age where my friends are getting married. Craziness.

A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Wed, 28 May 2008 02:32:28 GMT

I'm going to Misty Hollow tomorrow to get some little rings to fix some of my jewelry. Yep, to fix the button earrings, penguin bracelet, bright pink bracelet, dangly bright colored stars bracelet, heart locket necklace, etc... you know, the cheap 'n flashy stuff. I love them so much but I wonder when will I have to grow up and wear jewelry that costs more than a couple dollars each and doesn't have animals or stars or hearts all over it. Maybe by the time I totally outgrow all this cheap stuff I'll have met a nice guy who will buy me nice jewelry for my birthday and whatnot. Or maybe I'll be the crazy old woman still wearing big plasticy penguin earrings and light up necklaces... Yeah, that seems more likely. :/

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sat, 24 May 2008 17:55:45 GMT

Someday.

;)

Abigail - "Source of Joy"

Thu, 22 May 2008 04:48:48 GMT

I used to laugh all the time. Especially when I was with my friends, but also when things were going so horribly that I found it simply hilarious. When embarrassing things happened I would tell people and make fun of myself. I liked it. However, this year was different. I found it so much harder to laugh at the difficult parts of life. Reflecting back on it I get that feeling that I could burst into tears at any moment. It was such a tiring year. I put my heart and soul into two things that are very important to me- my math courses and my job as a residence fellow (RA). Over the course of the year I failed and succeeded at both countless times. I realize it's probably made me a stronger person overall (at least I would hope that it would) but I honestly feel like it took my spirit. It sucks.

At the end of last summer a high school aged camper came up to me and said that I "win at life". He was amazed that I was the head waitress, could keep my own in volleyball, play the bugle calls beautifully, win the animal game, be the shuffleboard champion, be so friendly, etc. It made me feel like I was on top of the world. I felt safe on my island in Lake Champlain and I did not want to leave. I even had my first real crush that month on a boy and I just felt like everything was falling into place. Then I went back to school.

I was greeted with a letter saying I was on academic warning. I then realized that meant if I didn't pull up my grades this year that they would kick me out of Carleton. I couldn't believe my B+ average wasn't good enough. It's hard to get As at my school and in the math department damn near impossible. Sure, I'd love to have an A+ like in high school but I realize that won't happen and I'm fine with some As but mostly Bs and Cs. Anyhow, because of a strike at school I couldn't meet with anyone to discuss this issue until the end of September. They then informed me that it was a mistake. For two months I thought I would be kicked out of school after studying day and night and it was a mistake. What a great way to start off the year.

Another great thing about the beginning of this year was my algebra teacher. He muttered every day in class that if anyone had taken a course other than his from the previous year and didn't do perfectly in it then we were basically screwed. It was a class of 12 and I was the only one who was not in his class the year before. The administration had put me in another class freshman year because I'm American. They were right, I didn't know much algebra. And my sophomore year prof was right... I was screwed. I failed the first couple of tests. Now instead of Bs I was getting Fs. Wow. I kept wishing I was failing because I was partying too much - you know, at least having some fun while this was happening. But no, I was studying every day. My nights off were spent in the library. I filled notebooks of practice problems. I tried so hard. Math really sucks when you don't understand it. Now I truly know why people hate it so much. It was sucks when your prof doesn't believe in you from the very beginning and won't help either.

I dropped calc and algebra first semester. I felt like the biggest failure doing that. What kind of math major drops calc and algebra? It was a good decision though. I was able to take general math courses very similar to the ones I was previously attempting but much more at my level. I still love math. I still wonder why I'm putting myself through this torture. And I still am terrified of every test, exam, and assignment. I got As and Bs in my classes 2nd semester. It was a nice change from the 1st one. However, I was not able to make the grade cut for being a residence fellow again next year. Well, they're definitely gonna miss out 'cause I was a kickass res fellow. Truthfully, I'm actually pretty relieved because now I can spend even more time on school. And maybe have a tiny social life which would be tremendously exciting. Between being watched constantly by bosses that live in your building and being a constant role model to 30 residents that see your every move it can be tough. So tough.

So back to the 12 fellow students in my math classes. The ones I kept in touch with haven't been able to hack it either. A couple failed the entire course over both semesters and a couple others dropped out of the program and one even out of school entirely. I feel bad for all of us. We're all somewhat intelligent people to make it this far in our lives but they're taking away our spirits. They don't care or guide or teach. I always try to look at the other person's side of view but as far as my profs went this year they just didn't care. It's heartbreaking. Next year I'm taking those honours courses again and now they can't make rude comments during lectures about how I haven't taken the right courses to get there. Now I've taken almost equivalent ones where the profs taught us and cared about how we did. Don't get me wrong, I don't want someone to take me by the hand and walk me through every little detail like high school. I like being independent and using the book and teaching myself. But, if I have a specific question I would love it if my prof would answer it. That's all I want.

I'm terrified for next year. I don't want to fail. In an attempt of tying together these thoughts... I kept saying this year "I fail at life". One time it was after I failed a calc assignment and then went excitedly to donate blood (I know I'm strange but I love donating blood) and fainted while giving blood and it wasn't enough to count but too much to try again. I felt like such a failure. Well, I'm looking forward to working in Vermont this summer because I want that feeling back of not failing at life so much. I want to "win at life" again. I want to get some of my confidence back so that in the fall I'm ready for a fight. I'm not afraid of the hard work or the criticisms. I'm afraid of failing at what I've chosen to do with my life. I just want to do well at what I like and be happy. Who knows if I can do it though. And as much as I hate to admit it I know it will all work out in the end. No matter if I "win" or "fail" I will learn something about myself and/or choose something else to do and it will all work out eventually. It should be a comforting feeling but it feels more like someone saying "I told ya so".

My dreams aren't impossible to reach but I surely hope that while fighting to get them I don't lose my spirit, laughter, and joy. I feel more bitter and angry every day and that just doesn't add up 'cause my name means "source of joy" and that's the way it's supposed to be.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:04:46 GMT

My last exam is on Saturday morning (abstract algebra) and then I'm going home on Wednesday.

I'm pretty excited. :)

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:45:26 GMT

I've got a smile on my face, I've got four walls around me
The sun in the sky, the water surrounds me
I'll win now but sometimes I'll lose
I've been battered, but I'll never bruise
It's not so bad...

And I say hey-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day, you've just got to say,
it's alright

See that girl on the corner, what keeps her from dying
Let them say what they want, she won't stop trying
She might stumble, if they push her 'round
She might fall, but she'll never lie down
It's not so bad...

And I say hey-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day, you've just got to say,
it's alright

It's a beautiful day, but there's always some sorrow
It's a double edged knife, but there's always tomorrow
It's up to you now if you sink or swim,
Keep the faith and your ship will come in
It's not so bad...

And I say hey-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day
and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day, you've just got to say,
it's alright

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:13:25 GMT

I keep typing lines and then erasing them.

I don't even know what to say.

Too many emotions. Today alone I've been happy, sad, gitty, crying, laughing, serious, pressured, angry, frustrated, and lonely. It's too much and I can't find my way back.

The good news is that I have the best floor to be an RA for in the entire world.
Also, there is only one more week of classes for the year.
It's quite the catch-22 though. Oh well.

My residents wanted to play the animal game the other night which I taught them at our first floor meeting back on September 1st. I love them so much. :)